Stat Sucks

Statistics sucks. Never take Szabat; you'll never be able to seperate your z's from your t's. I can't believe I was convinced she was a fox the first Tuesday of the semester. Maybe, if she were a fox, her attendance policy wouldn't get abused like the lock on my dorm door, if by dorm door I mean bathroom door. (53 weeks is a long time to wait for anything; it's a 50 percent longer wait than an expecting mother) On a serious note; I've never seen a class so angrily hated by everyone from accounting to psychology to communication, although the comm majors just hate the idea of a real class.Maybe the answer lies within a full-time statistics department, maybe they just need better teachers, but here's a couple of comic strips to go along with my train of thought.

Heaven on Earth

Some things are good for different reasons. Sex is good pretty much all of the time (53 weeks and counting) for a variety of reasons, like the emotional bond felt when your love handles joyfully clap against one other, or the physical pleasure of vaginal penetration. Unlike sex, there are some things that are good sometimes. Most things, like sex, suffer from the law of diminishing returns. The first time's the best for you, the second time's the best for her, the third time feels like forever, the fourth time is forever, and the fifth time is the stuff of legends. Not the good legends either- notorious legends like chafage, muscle discovery, and overall pain.

Anyways, enough with the sex rant. Most things need to be purchased. For some items, price is directly tied into one's enjoyment of said object. A great example of this is free food- RSA could be giving out shit on a stick during free period and people would eat it because it beats using the imaginary currency used by the Union Food Court. One of these things (allegedly; I've never touched the stuff on account of my physical well-being) is chewing tobacco.
Stoker's chewing tobacco feels like heaven in one's mouth. Cut longer than an umbilical cord, it is easier to pack than my laptop case if I'm going out on a weekend. Once in one's mouth, the comfort is transcendent- almost to the point where one forgets his or her gums are being ripped into shreds like a Vietnamese village. The flavor- my source has only tried wintergreen- is tastier than Skoal's wintergreen. And all of this comes at a price that's absolutely unheard of- 10 dollars for a tub. That's right, a tub. Most chewing tobacco is sold in tins, but this is sold in a tub filled with the equivalent of 10 tins of dip. (Note to the U.S. Tobacco Companies- try finding a unit of measurement akin with the metric system; even weight would suffice.) Of course, this leads to an obvious question- How does one pack/carry it around? Never fear, Stoker's provides a complimentary tin (albeit empty) with this tub for both convenience and packing purchases. The ending result of all this benefit in this cheap of a package is heaven.

Fake Name Manifesto

The concept of fake names is an intriguing one. Sometimes, everyone gets an urge to introduce themselves as somebody they are not. Whether it's one of your friends thinking that it is funny to introduce himself as Ted Kandinsky to girls because they don't realize that is the name of the Unibomber, or Johnny Depp checking into hotels as Mr. Donkey Penis, there are always times when one needs to pick a fake name. Here is some advice for picking a fake name.

1. Try to be subtle.
Mr. Donkey Penis is not a very subtle name, and once your fake name is flagged, it is rather easy to find your real name.

2. Try to avoid the usage of countries in your fake name.
Ron Mexico might seem to be a subtle name; however, there are very few people named after countries. As a result, Michael Vick's fake name has been engraved into comedy forever.

3. Try to avoid names with negative connotations
Kate Beckinsale might have thought she stumbled upon a great fake name with the usage of Sigourney Beaver; however, now that she is married, her husband despises answering the hotel phone to hear, "Hello, Mr. Beaver."

4. Try to pick a first name and a last name.
While modern names such as Ross and Harrison have a duality as first and last names, try to avoid using two first or last names. As an example, Plaxico Burress decided to use two last names in his creation of Harris Smith. Whether the mental lapse was due to the blood loss from his self-inflicted wound or just from going to Michigan State and majoring in football, this name did not work, as he was instantaneously recognized.

While these rules seemingly allow for little room in humor, some people have been able to make up names ripe in both humor and realism. Bob Dylan is a fan of using either Jim Nasium or Justin Case. If, after reading all of this, you are incapable of coming up with a fake name that meets the criteria, the Bodyguards of Harris Smith suggest Luke Emia.