Fake Name Manifesto

The concept of fake names is an intriguing one. Sometimes, everyone gets an urge to introduce themselves as somebody they are not. Whether it's one of your friends thinking that it is funny to introduce himself as Ted Kandinsky to girls because they don't realize that is the name of the Unibomber, or Johnny Depp checking into hotels as Mr. Donkey Penis, there are always times when one needs to pick a fake name. Here is some advice for picking a fake name.

1. Try to be subtle.
Mr. Donkey Penis is not a very subtle name, and once your fake name is flagged, it is rather easy to find your real name.

2. Try to avoid the usage of countries in your fake name.
Ron Mexico might seem to be a subtle name; however, there are very few people named after countries. As a result, Michael Vick's fake name has been engraved into comedy forever.

3. Try to avoid names with negative connotations
Kate Beckinsale might have thought she stumbled upon a great fake name with the usage of Sigourney Beaver; however, now that she is married, her husband despises answering the hotel phone to hear, "Hello, Mr. Beaver."

4. Try to pick a first name and a last name.
While modern names such as Ross and Harrison have a duality as first and last names, try to avoid using two first or last names. As an example, Plaxico Burress decided to use two last names in his creation of Harris Smith. Whether the mental lapse was due to the blood loss from his self-inflicted wound or just from going to Michigan State and majoring in football, this name did not work, as he was instantaneously recognized.

While these rules seemingly allow for little room in humor, some people have been able to make up names ripe in both humor and realism. Bob Dylan is a fan of using either Jim Nasium or Justin Case. If, after reading all of this, you are incapable of coming up with a fake name that meets the criteria, the Bodyguards of Harris Smith suggest Luke Emia.