Bucket List

1. Run a pool table.

2. Bowl a 200.

3. Go to Lake George with my parents.

4. Finish a keg at my parent's house.

5. Get a meaningful tattoo.

6. Have a kid.

7. Catch a marlin

8. 72 hours without sleep.

9. Write a book of haikus.

10. Participate in a hot dog eating contest.

11. Get on a jumbotron during a sporting event.

12. Watch and/or participate in a jello wresting contest.

13. Touch a basketball rim with no external aid.

14. Go to Jacobs Field.

15. Get a boat.

16. Finish two Domino's Pizzas.

17. Live down the shore for a whole summer.

18. Build a computer from scratch.

19. Hook up with a girl from La Salle's Honors Program.

20. Drink with my brother.

21. Learn how to play the guitar.

22. Every flavor of Skoal in one day.

23. Donate sperm.

24. Have a conversation with a celebrity.

25. Be on television.

26. Become the American Man.

27. Go to the Basketball Hall of Fame.

28. Go to another prom and have fun.

29. Shave/wax my entire body sans hair.

30. Perform at a comedy club.

31. Perform anal sex (giving)

32. See a three nippled girl's nipples.

33. Make a hilarious YouTube video.

34. Get physically thrown out a place.

35. Hook up with a mom.

36. Make Pat cry.

37. See La Salle in the NCAA Tournament.

38. Get a happy ending after a massage.

39. Draw something that's good.

40. Have a naked picture painted.

41. Catch a blumpkin.

42. Become really good at a video game

43. Seven orgasms in one day.

44. Visit at least 20 states.

45. Go to Europe.

46. Witness a girl masturbate in person.

47. Watch every Clint Eastwood movie.

48. Ride a camel.

49. Graduate from college.

50. Go to a concert.

NIce

Florida won the national championship in college football today. Woohoo. Anyways, the point of this post is to post a hysterical picture.

Treetops

Treetops sucks. This is a fact. With the possible exception of weekend brunches, people go to Treetops for the sole reason that it is paid for already. I almost typed cheap in that last sentence, but my mother smacked me in the head. It's not cheap- at all. And it's required by everyone that lives in the dorms; so even vegetarians with no need for Treetops sans the salad bar in the middle are at Treetops.
However, as I sit at home deliberating whether boiling water is worth the trouble to make noodles or to eat Stouffer's Macaroni and Cheese for the 12000th time since I've been home, I actually find myself missing Treetops, sacreligious as it sounds. The nice people working, the cooked food, the girls, eating with people that aren't my brother. Somehow I've hit a stage in my life where I miss a college cafeteria. Shoot me now.

Because I don't own a scanner, I'm just going to copy and paste the words from an appropriate Calvin and Hobbes strip.

Calvin: People are rotten!
Calvin: When I grow up, I'm going to live a million miles from everyone!
Hobbes: How will you survive? How will you eat?
Calvin: Well... Mom could come by twice a day to cook, I suppose.
Hobbes: That would be quite a commute.

New Year's Resolutions

1. Write a bucket list. It's one of those things that I've been meaning to get around to for the longest time; yet I've never actually done it. One of these days I hope to get around to it.
2. Get back in decent shape. My physical need to get in shape has been hampered severely by the lack of an organized sport to keep me going. Without a long-term goal besides living past 30 and being in better shape than my brother, motivation is fleeting in this department.
3. Get my license.
4. Learn how to spell. Typing the majority of my college assignments online, I am amazed by my sheer inability to spell; hopefully, I can overcome this in the next year
5. Find happiness girl-wise. I was going to type get laid, but after 24 hours of chest pumping, getting laid once will just revert into the same banter about getting laid again. Nor would it be smart to type get a girlfriend, because that could lead to unhappiness as leashes tighten and whatnot. So I think just happiness girl-wise is a good resolution.
6. Stay open-minded. When I came to college, I told myself to be open-minded to everything. It led to mostly good things; more importantly, I haven't regretted anything.
7. Write on this blog more. I'm fully capable of finding one thing a day to write about; and while this blog probably won't be read by more than ten people ever, just writing things down that I'm thinking about is a good usage of my time- it also can't hurt my spelling problem.

Stat Sucks

Statistics sucks. Never take Szabat; you'll never be able to seperate your z's from your t's. I can't believe I was convinced she was a fox the first Tuesday of the semester. Maybe, if she were a fox, her attendance policy wouldn't get abused like the lock on my dorm door, if by dorm door I mean bathroom door. (53 weeks is a long time to wait for anything; it's a 50 percent longer wait than an expecting mother) On a serious note; I've never seen a class so angrily hated by everyone from accounting to psychology to communication, although the comm majors just hate the idea of a real class.Maybe the answer lies within a full-time statistics department, maybe they just need better teachers, but here's a couple of comic strips to go along with my train of thought.

Heaven on Earth

Some things are good for different reasons. Sex is good pretty much all of the time (53 weeks and counting) for a variety of reasons, like the emotional bond felt when your love handles joyfully clap against one other, or the physical pleasure of vaginal penetration. Unlike sex, there are some things that are good sometimes. Most things, like sex, suffer from the law of diminishing returns. The first time's the best for you, the second time's the best for her, the third time feels like forever, the fourth time is forever, and the fifth time is the stuff of legends. Not the good legends either- notorious legends like chafage, muscle discovery, and overall pain.

Anyways, enough with the sex rant. Most things need to be purchased. For some items, price is directly tied into one's enjoyment of said object. A great example of this is free food- RSA could be giving out shit on a stick during free period and people would eat it because it beats using the imaginary currency used by the Union Food Court. One of these things (allegedly; I've never touched the stuff on account of my physical well-being) is chewing tobacco.
Stoker's chewing tobacco feels like heaven in one's mouth. Cut longer than an umbilical cord, it is easier to pack than my laptop case if I'm going out on a weekend. Once in one's mouth, the comfort is transcendent- almost to the point where one forgets his or her gums are being ripped into shreds like a Vietnamese village. The flavor- my source has only tried wintergreen- is tastier than Skoal's wintergreen. And all of this comes at a price that's absolutely unheard of- 10 dollars for a tub. That's right, a tub. Most chewing tobacco is sold in tins, but this is sold in a tub filled with the equivalent of 10 tins of dip. (Note to the U.S. Tobacco Companies- try finding a unit of measurement akin with the metric system; even weight would suffice.) Of course, this leads to an obvious question- How does one pack/carry it around? Never fear, Stoker's provides a complimentary tin (albeit empty) with this tub for both convenience and packing purchases. The ending result of all this benefit in this cheap of a package is heaven.

Fake Name Manifesto

The concept of fake names is an intriguing one. Sometimes, everyone gets an urge to introduce themselves as somebody they are not. Whether it's one of your friends thinking that it is funny to introduce himself as Ted Kandinsky to girls because they don't realize that is the name of the Unibomber, or Johnny Depp checking into hotels as Mr. Donkey Penis, there are always times when one needs to pick a fake name. Here is some advice for picking a fake name.

1. Try to be subtle.
Mr. Donkey Penis is not a very subtle name, and once your fake name is flagged, it is rather easy to find your real name.

2. Try to avoid the usage of countries in your fake name.
Ron Mexico might seem to be a subtle name; however, there are very few people named after countries. As a result, Michael Vick's fake name has been engraved into comedy forever.

3. Try to avoid names with negative connotations
Kate Beckinsale might have thought she stumbled upon a great fake name with the usage of Sigourney Beaver; however, now that she is married, her husband despises answering the hotel phone to hear, "Hello, Mr. Beaver."

4. Try to pick a first name and a last name.
While modern names such as Ross and Harrison have a duality as first and last names, try to avoid using two first or last names. As an example, Plaxico Burress decided to use two last names in his creation of Harris Smith. Whether the mental lapse was due to the blood loss from his self-inflicted wound or just from going to Michigan State and majoring in football, this name did not work, as he was instantaneously recognized.

While these rules seemingly allow for little room in humor, some people have been able to make up names ripe in both humor and realism. Bob Dylan is a fan of using either Jim Nasium or Justin Case. If, after reading all of this, you are incapable of coming up with a fake name that meets the criteria, the Bodyguards of Harris Smith suggest Luke Emia.